Not This Again

Jaime and I were sitting around watching old episodes of Eureka two nights ago when it hit me: A tiny twinge of wanting another baby. YIKES! I feel sick just repeating it to myself. In the episodes we've been catching up on, Allison is pregnant and so is the main guys sister. Of course, she's pregnant with twin boys. I didn't think I would ever get those feelings again.

It's funny because I got struck with a little bit of sadness that it's over, then I remembered how awful pregnancy was. I get a little excited and hopeful, then I get sick to my stomach really thinking of what I'd be signing up for. I feel like every day of my pregnancy I was freaking out and now I freak out every day about milestones and worrying I'm not doing enough. The truth is, if it were easier, I would go for it in a few years. The hard truth is, there is nothing easy about being a mother. No one really ever tells you the gut wrenching truth going in. You lose pieces of yourself. The person I am and the person I used to be are so different. When I think back to my past I feel like I'm thinking of someone else's life. It's all so surreal.

I think going in a second time armed with what I know now would make for a smoother ride. Really knowing what is given up, how things change, about the sleepless nights, the hard days - maybe I would enjoy it a little more. I think the sneak surprise is what got the best of me the first time around, especially the first year. Anyway, this post isn't going anywhere particular. I'm just a tired mom trying my best to fight my basic instincts to breed. I'm thinking of posting photos of the miserable moments all over a secret place in the house to scare me until menopause sets in.



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